What to do…
Question…What do you do when you’re not sure how to interact with the world anymore? Surely there must be an instruction book or a guide? There’s a lot of things I no longer understand.
Answer. Definitely don’t do what I did and Google it…For example — 1. Lower your expectations was the first thing that appeared. Not quite what I had in mind, but it did give me food for thought (after I mowed through a block of chocolate, hey at least it was dark chocolate with health benefits right?)…
This past 18 months since COVID reared its ugly head, I’ve had a lot more thinking time. Losing my job was tough last year, but what’s been tougher is how hard I’ve been on myself and I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps I don’t like what I was starting to become — bitter.
I’ve been through many phases over the past 11 months, from rage to fear, anger and breakthroughs. You know the rare lightbulb moments (that hardly ever happen for me anyway), where the penny finally drops and it all seems so clear. After so much energy treading water — effectively marking time, not quite getting it (very common places for me).
It wasn’t just about losing my job, my health has set-backs over the past six years and I’m finally coming to terms with what I call the new me. Do you ever wish you could turn the clock back and re-do something you resent over? I don’t blame myself, I just want to rid the thoughts from churning around in my head and beating me up. It’s so frustrating, especially as COVID has not only grounded so many of us, but put fear and rejection front and centre in the daily news cycle. Its everywhere I look, read and interact.
So far I’ve been lucky enough to score a few interviews, but alas no money exchanged hands. Just a thank you but we’ve gone with the other candidate or basically complete silence or a shi##y cold email telling me while they think “I’m great” (gee thanks) it’s a “no”.
Deep down I am grateful as unless it’s a good fit, after my terrible experience from last year, it’s a NO from me too. But it’s really got me thinking that maybe I’ve been off the radar for too long and maybe I’m too needy now I actually know what I’m after? But it’s still tough to take over and over.
Everyone wants cookie cutter. They’re not interested in my depressing stories about ill health or foster caring or looking after my sick horse, all of which have been full-time jobs, one’s which I’ve learnt a huge swag of skills, nothing to be sneezed at. But as they’re unpaid, they’re often overlooked.
Surely after all the upheaval and mess the world finds itself in we value difference, strength, purpose and people who are resilient? Surely after all the lockdowns, social isolation and change it’s time to look beyond the basics like standard resumes, responses to set criteria and four wall type scenarios?
In reality, does this mean the old part of me that used to “fit in” easily is now finding herself on the edge of society? Somewhere between the new age movement, yet conservative enough to still have sensible shoes and matching outfits for each season.
Can I change back? Do I want to go back to the old “ill fitting” version of myself? Will the inner drive and questioning my self-esteem be enough to give me the strength to power through and re-invent myself? Am I prepared to accept the new me (regardless of whether or not she’s an improvement?).
I read a lot, online, books, magazines, people, etc and I am beginning to realise not everything is as it seems. For instance, social media with its friendly faces and fake filters, to heavily edited newspapers, what are we watching, reading and listening to? Is it the truth or perhaps a version of how we are expected to behave.
For example, Artificial Intelligence (AI) expert and author Dr Kate Crawford is widely recognized for her social science perspective in regards to human versus computers. How our world is changing to rapidly as we attempt to outrun the humble human.
Have we become ashamed of our humanity and are so busy patching over our faults that we are letting AI rule without question. Surely computers are faster, smarter and less complicated than the human condition? Its like we devalue ourselves as stock on the share market well before we even consider the inner wealth or clarity we bring to the collective table.
It all sounds and feels so confusing to me. I realize the world around me is changing from anything I’ve ever known and it terrifies me to think about the future. I’m being bombarded from all sides of the argument that I should follow their ideas and follow their lead. Am I wrong or selfish thinking where do I feature in all of this?
In following the lead are we going to leave scores of people behind in the mad rush to be right (now)? Including me? Don’t get me wrong I don’t have the answers, but if anything I know now exactly what I don’t want, and that’s more than half the battle. I’ve always been a rule follower, a planner, a worker. But I’m feeling very clueless about the next steps in my life.
I don’t know if anyone can actually answer this, I just feel as though thinking about it makes me head feel heavy and I need to release it. Maybe I’m not brave enough to look too far into the future anymore?
Sure experts would probably advise me to just keep on forging ahead, but with minimal planning in what seems to be a time in my life when things don’t feel in control, I need more. Not just for me, but for those around me too. So after flicking through guru after guru, listening, reading and recycling those old ‘classics’ in favour of some good ol’ common sense, I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe it’s time to throw out the rule book and take a chance. Without an instruction guide for the first time. Maybe knowing the future is just as terrifying as being completely in the dark?
Do I need to come up with a plan? Do I need calculated risks, milestones, steps, etc? Or with everything so up in the air do I need to start thinking about changing how I see the world and the way I contribute to it? So many questions. Surely I’m not alone in thinking or feeling this way?
During the past few weeks I’ve been having crazy dreams, when I wake up I’m exhausted, usually still wrapped in my headphone cord (no judgement I listen to music at night and its a very old school device that needs batteries — I hear gasps). When I wake up in a rock concert with a sore ear from the padding stuck fast to my lobe, I’ve been fishing (?! huh), climbing mountains and keep re-dreaming about a car which I’m driving on an unknown road on a holiday with people I don’t recognise.
Ahhh the goldmine that is my head. I think it’s all the disruption, but hey who needs TV right? I should plug myself in and share it online.
So the answer I’m going to leave you with is, I don’t need to like myself. I just need to have a memorandum of understanding that I need to learn to accept myself with my faults, quirky ideas and grey hairs. And maybe along with this an acknowledgement that the world has changed and that’s ok. Just get on with it and quit being such a bitch to yourself all the time. Well that’s something I’ll need to keep working on.
Maybe the introvert in me just takes a bit longer to think things through and the wildness and boldness of my youth is just a bit weary from the battles. Getting older to me just proves I’m definitely a work in progress and there’s nothing wrong with that. The one important lesson I’m learning is that what happens within in me is for me and only me to decide.
