I’m still at base camp…but that’s ok.
I must admit when I was thinking about what to write for this article I was torn. Last week I submitted my first one as I am brand new to freelance writing. Now I’m in week two and a 1/2, I’m coming to realize that there are many ways you can look at the difficulties of starting a new career (one you feel is a huge mountain)…you can either pack up and go home after being knocked back, or use the knocks to harden your personal armor into a shield.
Truth be told, the reason I am here is due to a horrendous bullying experience in a face-to-face job I left last year. I couldn’t even survive the probationary period, the environment and the treatment was so toxic, I made a decision to try something new and different. I am not a mean person and really struggle when the meanness of others seeps through the pores of their skin, like a black cloud it follows them and if you’re not careful it will rain down on you too.
Still, even some of the closest to me have not been supportive of this career change. Even though they witnessed my suffering last year and the dreaded self doubt police knocking at my door. I admit I was a red hot mess for a while there, just couldn’t shake the feeling no matter how many counsellors or friends I spoke to, I had anger building inside of me ready to implode. I’m quite a gentle person and in my personal experience in the modern workplace this is seen as a negative. Not an asset I should be proud of.
But if I’m truthful, I’ve never fitted the mold. After trying and failing at being a good public servant (not that I’m the first or last to find this very confusing workplace easy). I struggled not being able to stand up for what’s right — for me it was tough, just tow the line was what I was told is all I needed to do — and wait for my next pay slip. Riveting.
Honestly, this used to drive me to distraction and get me really pissed off. In fact it chipped away at my self worth and I didn’t realize this until I found myself in a bad situation (last year) which included being bullied and belittled. Somewhere from deep within this treatment lit a fire in me, like never before I stood up for myself.
It’s not that I haven’t stood up for myself before, but in the world of work I’ve always been easy going and never ruffled a feather, so this was new territory. My hard work, skills and kindness to others was seen as weak, not useful and a threat to a workplace with a systemic toxic culture of hate and put-downs. I was sick of crying in the toilet and grieving alone.
I had tried my best to keep the peace and not rattle any cages, as my husband and I really needed the money after a previous couple of years of unsuccessful fertility treatment (promise to discuss this in a later piece of writing). So this gave me a reason to feel pretty ordinary, so my self esteem wasn’t what I would call great. But in reality, the rattling was going on inside of me and I used to walk through the streets and parks surrounding my workplace on my breaks, trying to clear my head. I guess I was adjusting to being plain old tow the line me. Obviously it worked a real treat, NOT. But I think it’s certainly taught me what I don’t want and that not being authentic is exhausting.
When I finally spoke up I was told it I was up to me and that it was basically ‘known’ this person / people involved in the toxic behavior were notorious for this and sadly were repeat offenders. I’m now aware there was a line of people before me, which is the stark reality of many workplaces. But it is what it is and you can’t get your health back, so I stood up for myself, like I mattered.
I have always believed everyone is entitled to their opinion and let people speak I am not a fan of being cut off or interrupted, I found this happened all the time at work. Disrespect and toxic outbursts were commonplace in the office. During the lockdown of 2020 I seriously witnessed some of the most bizarre and inconsiderate workplace behavior. As a side note bullying by anyone in life is never ok. I had to stand up and leave a job because of the behavior of someone who should, but sadly does not, know better.
Since this incident, I’ve been researching and exploring different topics, trying to expand my thinking. I refuse to let this define me. For it’s not about understanding why jealously and hate are so powerful, but more about searching my heart and soul for what I want. Along the way I am learning to be kinder to myself and not be afraid to speak my mind, I need to learn from this and get better at protecting myself from emotional vultures. But also become more authentically me in a world asking me to conform, it makes me want to be me even more.
I’ve used this past few months to reflect as seriously I was badly burnt from the experience, the backstabbing and bullying I witnessed will stay with me for a long time. Thankfully I have found writing and spending time in nature with my adored pets (dogs, horse and cows) my savior, especially as I tended to the anger and rage that was building up inside of me. I was unable to express how I felt and that wreaked havoc on my insides. I just wish in this world people would understand what they say, even if it’s behind someone’ s back is cruel and toxic behavior.
In my reading I’ve been encouraged by a quote I came across recently….”not everyone will be supportive of your journey to better yourself. Some people are threatened by change because it holds up a mirror they would rather not see. Only you need to understand your reasons for moving forward”. Rebecca Ray.
What seems like very slow swim upstream continues and I again faced a week of strange requests, typos and uncertainty. My new learnings include a potential employer stating you have to have “perfict spealing and gramma” (nice), yet the request is full of typos and I just want to scream.
This new pathway to writing to pay the bills is not an easy one. I am still being sucked in by click bait telling me how easy it is to make money, but I am here to tell you first hand it’s not easy. But nothing good ever is. If this career was easy then everybody would be doing it.
But as I’m becoming adept at shapeshifting, changing and growing with every rejection, misstep and mistake, I am learning so much more than I could have ever imagined. However, the reality is I need to earn money and at the moment I am not. Zero, zilch, nothing.
I am committed to trying and failing if that’s what it takes. I might not be the world’s best speller, but I do know the word grammar doesn’t end in an a. But I’m also planning on getting stronger and more resilient in the hope that I can inspire others to break the mold and be the best version of themselves, especially in the face of strong opposition. Even if its taking small steps, that’s more than ok (especially coming from the inner critic in me). Back on with the crash helmet for another week of strange and interesting lessons in the world of online work.
