Do-gooders do we just need them to back off?
I’ve leant an important lesson this past week, some people have an intrinsic need to exert control over others, especially if they lack empathy and healthy boundaries. An example would be doing things to or for people that are unnecessary and unwanted (whilst ignoring the wishes of the individual like your opinion doesn’t count). In my head it’s not quite gaslighting, but enough to sew seeds of doubt that you’re not quite sure if madness might be slowly creeping into your life and you start to question what is happening.
I guess there’s a couple of ways to look at this, but lets start with some definitions:
Altruism…defined by the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy as: “Behavior is normally described as altruistic when it is motivated by a desire to benefit someone other than oneself for that person’s sake”.
OR
Micro management a dreadful practice where someone tries to control you, in particular by breaking down self esteem, so lets face it they’ll do it better than you anyway so you start to think why bother (sorry probably still a bit bitter and twisted from my time working in government, yikes). Maybe you’ve already gathered from this full on sentence, I hate being micro managed. In fact, I would do anything to get as far away as possible from these toxic individuals. They are way too scary for words.
In this modern world does altruism and putting others first really still exist? Or are we humans too wrapped up in self interest and getting ahead to worry about the time consuming practice of helping people in need? I’m biased in my discussions about this as you see I have a problem.
My beloved horse Red is being fed without my permission, she has an underlying medical condition which can be controlled under the right conditions but there is one strict rule — no grain in her diet. It causes catastrophic health effects and is a no-no. This will never change.
These ‘do-gooder’ feeds started off as harmless, after they took a shine to my horse as she’s very friendly and after being hand-raised quite affectionate. At the time I’d hoped to make it clear that a pat is ok, but as my horse is basically a diabetic, please no treats, grain or sugar of ANY kind.
Unfortunately these warnings were ignored and now Red is very sick and I am very grumpy. I’m struggling with processing my anger, as I’ve seen enough suffering and my horse is in agony because of this so called act of kindness. I feel disappointed and furious about their reaction and lack of care that she’s sick and in pain with no concern, they just keep feeding her as though it’s the most normal thing in the world.
I am trying to process what’s happened and look at it from the perspective of altruism, but I’m finding it hard to do this. Its been happening on and off for months now and its wearing me down. My quiet hobby which keeps me energized has been sabotaged, I will never be able to ride my horse again and I’m furious about it. Surely there’s another motive at work here? Why do people find it so hard to listen to others?
So my 20+ years of horse experience is being ignored and at my horse’s peril. Then again, maybe it’s just a case of pure ignorance, the type that no amount of convincing will change. A good example of someone lacking empathy and humanity. It’s not good to just listen, we have to hear with our hearts too, this is so important.
In writing the draft, I looked up the opposite to altruism and the first thing to show up is selfishness. Hmmm. This is very interesting, self interest, there must be something in this — perhaps a hidden meaning? Or perhaps my stressed out state has messed with my thinking and I’m slowly sinking into an abyss of doubt?
Of course there are your celebrity acts of altruism, only today I read about popstar Janet Jackson auctioning 1,000 items for charity, but as an ordinary everyday person is altruism ever going to reach the masses or save the world? Is it all just too hard and requires too much thinking in this complex online community we now find ourselves a part of?
Maybe when you oppose altruism or better still, genuinely don’t understand the true meaning of love and being there for others, the selfish, self-centered trait many humans sadly possess comes to the forefront? Which has got me thinking, if altruism is about deeds unseen, maybe the opposite is true for the selfish who walk amongst us?
As always people in a hurry leave clues and as luck would have it, some Hansel and Gretel crumbs were left. Driving home yesterday I spotted the do-gooder scanning the fence line thinking I wasn’t home, then they shot off like a rabbit when they saw me (not before waving to me which made me even angrier, I look paranoid if I confront someone walking in their own paddock right?)…but with their track record and holding an empty feed bag in hand hmm.
This was a moment of clarity for me, I have felt like a victim, powerless all of this time. Not wanting to upset the applecart and accepting such outrageous behavior has effected me and I have been so anxious that Red could be sick at anytime. These recent months and the stress they have caused (not to mention the $$$’s which have been substantial) have taught me to stop being such a harsh critic of myself. I was right. I knew someone was tampering with her feed but I couldn’t quite prove it. Until now.
Sure I had found unrecognisable hay previously and confronted the person and they admitted to feeding her, but promised to stop. I stupidly believed them and over the next year or so the feeding happened when I was at work or no-one was home, someone was sneaking around when no-one’s home, trespassing on private property (especially on school holidays). I was noticing Red was getting sick, she suffered a bout of colic and her health wasn’t great.
Self doubt crept in and I blamed myself, I changed supplements, spoke to experts and staked out the place installing cameras, only to find in fact the feeding was continuing especially during the workday. I mean the three feeds and on-going hay this poor horse gets already just wasn’t enough. According to the culprit I don’t feed her enough and even though they live nowhere near her paddock, claimed she called out to them for food.
Sure, Red’s loving the grain which requires her stomach to be pumped and her body to go crazy. You see technically horses can’t vomit, they seem to plug up instead and dangerous gases build to toxic levels when they are fed something moldy or too much new feed, change needs to be integrated slowly in a horses world. Gross and way too graphic for me, but you get the general idea. Yuk.
Years ago I came across the work of Dr Wayne Dyer, prior to his passing I attended a workshop, and working from memory, he wisely talked about not always continuing to choose the same path or road. The story went something like someone kept walking into the same hole, the answer choose a different street. Like a lightening bolt that struck me earlier today. I’ve been too nice, too subtle and way too accepting. It’s time to tell these do-gooders to back off!
I’ve also been reading a book called My Friend Anna, which tells the story of altruism and a con job gone wrong and the lasting impacts it has on real people’s lives. A close friend betrayed the trust of someone they believed in, ruining them financially and of course once your trust is broken, its a hard climb back to the surface.
Surely it can’t be all about ego? What happened to empathy and compassion? I know I’ve been living in a bit of a bubble lately, you know when things seem to be scattered all over the place and you’re swimming against a strong tide. But I am getting tired and lots of cramps, but yet I still keep on going. I am crying in sympathy, I am crying in compassion, I am crying with stressed out eyes. But I am generating a stronger shield to protect my loved ones like never before.
I guess what I’m saying is doing something decent for someone requires a level of understanding of their needs and wants first. If you want to do good, do just that, be good and first and foremost, benefit someone’s life, don’t make it worse. Doing something altruistic should be spontaneous, not premeditated or for self gain. Surely there is some free will here and at some point fate will decide or perhaps we choose our own fate or path forward?
The key learnings for me are to work hard to limit the self doubt, live as much as I can while the sun is shining and never let anyone tell you how to live your life and make you feel worthless or a victim. Take your power back and stand up for what’s right, especially when they can’t defend themselves. I’ve learnt to tell do-gooders to back off and it feels great.
The only good news is Red is on the improve and her pain has reduced since I started writing this article. I am pleased to report she is doing much better after a huge dose of meds and removal of the suspect feed from her diet. Now it’s time to continue on this journey and start to take the power back, after seeing the horrified look on the do-gooders face when I spotted them today…I haven’t seen a trace of them since. Stay tuned and do-gooders stay away!!!!!!!!
